Behind These Hazel Eyes
by Kaslyna
Summary: As they kissed on the mountain, what was Jordan thinking? What was she reflecting?


**A/N: I can post using my grandma's computer, but I don't have the stories I was working on. =/ Sorry. An idea I got just out of the blue. Song lyrics are to Kelly Clarkson's Behind These Hazel Eyes. It's Jordan's thoughts on Woody after their kiss at the end of Season 6, and all they have been through. Trying to stick as canon as possible, but of course some things are made up, based on my friends, etcetera.**

**Disclaimer: Crossing Jordan belongs to Tim Kring and NBC; Kelly Clarkson and whomever recorded it own Behind These Hazel Eyes. I own the idea, however, to make this into a story.**

_Seems like just yesterday  
You were a part of me  
I used to stand so tall  
I used to be so strong  
Your arms around me tight  
Everything, it felt so right  
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong  
Now I can't breathe  
No, I can't sleep  
I'm barely hanging on  
_

He was just another naïve, upbeat cop who would be gone in a short period of time when Jordan had first met him. She could crush him like a bug, but he was sweet, nice, and even funny in his innocence. So she kept him around, at arms length for a while, teasing and testing him, knowing he wanted her. She was older and perhaps a tad more mature now, though, and she didn't really want to complicate things. He had come over once, making them dinner and she had tasted it, daring him. They walked to the door, just staring, waiting for someone to move first. Before anyone did, her computer beeped, signaling an incoming IM, and they had gone back into cop-and-coroner mode in the mere blink of an eye.

Every time they were together afterwards, Jordan's eyes could not help lingering on his lips, wondering what they may taste like. She was pretty sure he was checking her out as well, but he had been doing that since Day One.

_  
Here I am, once again  
I'm torn into pieces  
Can't deny it, can't pretend  
Just thought you were the one  
Broken up, deep inside  
But you won't get to see the tears I cry  
Behind these hazel eyes  
_

There was something so romantic about the desert in autumn. The smell of old rain mingled with the smell of cactus blossoms fading, creosote, and the smoke of a fire. The stars twinkling in the milky navy sky, little silver charms twinkling and dancing, seeming reachable yet so far away in the celestial sphere. The faintly hushed sounds of jack rabbits scurrying, of owls hooting, of crickets and a lone pack of coyotes after a fresh kill. The even closer, more chilling sounds of the wind tickling the scrubby brush, of something skittering about. The way you could taste heat, sand, the stars, even, on your tongue. The way that the fruity nectar of cactus left your stomach yearning. The feel of rough wood beneath you, your feet on the firm, cracked sand. The heat and cool of the desert night was majestic, almost, and certainly, at least in Jordan's mind, romantic.

She looked into his eyes briefly, letting her eyes flicker open and shut, her voice wisping into nothingness as her lips hungrily found his. It was brief, sweet, and added only to the pleasantness of the Mojave.

_  
I told you everything  
Opened up and let you in  
You made me feel alright  
For once in my life  
Now all that's left of me  
Is what I pretend to be  
So together, but so broken up inside  
'Cause I can't breathe  
No, I can't sleep  
I'm barely hangin' on  
_

She trusted him with her life, and far more importantly, her heart. She went to him, and he held her, his heart aching with the burden of knowing what he would do. She pulled away, vulnerable and trusting, and he arrested her. It was definitely not one of her shining moments, she supposed, but why did he have to do that? Now, and only now, when she had lived a little more, grown a little more, did she finally understand that she was spiraling rapidly out of control, and that perhaps if he had not done that, she would have crashed and burned. In a sick way, she thanked him, and in a way she would be indebted for the realization he brought to her.

She had been pissed off, her ego bruised, her pride severely wounded. It had taken her so long, until she held Lu as she died for her to really be able to thank Woody for arresting her. She had told him as they sat together.

Jordan had thanked him, for God's sake, for arresting her sorry ass and saving her.

_  
Here I am, once again  
I'm torn into pieces  
Can't deny it, can't pretend  
Just thought you were the one  
Broken up, deep inside  
But you won't get to see the tears I cry  
Behind these hazel eyes_

Swallow me then spit me out  
For hating you, I blame myself  
Seeing you it kills me now  
No, I don't cry on the outside  
Anymore...  
Anymore...  


She told him she loved him after the sniper. She really meant it, and she really believed that maybe, just maybe she was ready. It was again something she thanked him for almost sadistically, though it took her begrudgingly a while longer. They loved each other then, but he knew her and knew that although she meant it and did not say it out of pity, that she was not ready to be committed. He had hurt her, yes, but he had hurt himself in the process, and the hurt would have been so many times worse if he had accepted her and sobbed into her.

That year had been hectic; Devan, Las Vegas, the ring, the hostage situation, and it all exploded like fire crackers with one severely fucked up man-child and a bullet.

It was almost poetic.

_  
Here I am, once again  
I'm torn into pieces  
Can't deny it, can't pretend  
Just thought you were the one  
Broken up, deep inside  
But you won't get to see the tears I cry  
Behind these hazel eyes  
_

They slept together, and he moved on easily. She realized, though, that no matter what, she could not hate Woody, or really Lu, for that matter. She loved him, yes, but she loved him enough to just want him to be happy, no matter what. After her three-way kiss, she had told him as they stood on the rooftop with their beers.

"I still love you, Woody," she smiles sadly, "I just want you to be happy, though."

Then she had left him. He saved her ass after D.C. and Pollack, and she was glad he was not moping around the OR while she had brain surgery. He knew her, and knew she would not have wanted that. She was grateful again for him. Then recovering and the plane crash.

It was how they ended up here, their lips colliding again and again, planets crashing and stars exploding into brilliant supernovas. It was how they told each other they loved the other and meant it, finally.

It was how they were finally ready to commit, tired of running, tired of fear. Both seeking solace, needing clarity, needing to be ready. Yet this time, they were.

They both were.

_  
Here I am, once again  
I'm torn into pieces  
Can't deny it, can't pretend  
Just thought you were the one  
Broken up, deep inside  
But you won't get to see the tears I cry  
Behind these hazel eyes_


End file.
